I want to walk on stilts...naked
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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