Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
