Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
