one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
