Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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