I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
