who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
