When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
