one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
