i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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