Your tits are I can't wait for
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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