She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My vagina is officially offended.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
