The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize