I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
