i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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