so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
