If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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