woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
