I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
