the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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