I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
