guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I look better un-naked...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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