Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
