There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
