It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
