Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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