my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Come on in and take your pants off
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