Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
