who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
