I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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