My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
