I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
