Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
