just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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