I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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