dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
