So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
