can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
