someone threw a dead crab at me
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
