I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
