I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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