at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
