Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize