i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
