totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
