He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
