1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
