he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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