I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
