I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
