Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
