I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
