he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Dear god my vagina.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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