4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
