I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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