I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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