You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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