As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I fill condoms, not promises.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
