you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
