I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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