if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
