Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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