my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
